


come away from the window

by thebreathofafeather



Series: love me not with words [3]
Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Dissociation, Dr. Carmilla's C- Parenting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Flashbacks, Gun Violence, How Do I Tag, Multi, Nastya has POTS, Other, Temporary Character Death, canon typical non consensual medical procedures, no beta we die like ulysses, so does Jonny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:02:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26854162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebreathofafeather/pseuds/thebreathofafeather
Summary: Nastya is numb. She can’t pull herself out of the memories. They’re linked to the room she lies in; to the air she breathes; to Aurora, one of her lovers; to the crew, her family; to her very skin and bones.All Nastya knows is that she has to get out.
Relationships: Ivy Alexandria/Nastya Rasputina, Ivy Alexandria/Raphaella la Cognizi/The Toy Soldier/Nastya Rasputina, Jonny d'Ville & Nastya Rasputina, Nastya Rasputina & The Mechanisms, Nastya Rasputina/Ivy Alexandria/Raphaella la Cognizi, The Aurora/Nastya Rasputina
Series: love me not with words [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946266
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	come away from the window

**Author's Note:**

> i projected onto jonny and ts last time, but now it's nastya's turn!
> 
> title taken from Cyberian Demons
> 
> i decided i needed to rewrite Out for the 'love me not with words' verse, simply because i Refuse to believe Out happens (Nastya is Not allowed to leave, my heart can't take it), and why not make some more angst, yes?
> 
> this is entirely unedited, more detailed tws at the end.

Nastya is numb. Her mercury blood does not carry warmth, and while she is normally cool to the touch, she is currently beyond the feeling of cold, curled in the engine room. Aurora’s engines are normally enough to help Nastya warm up to the point of feeling alive, but the numbness has sunken into her bones; so deep that her lover cannot soothe it away. Nastya is dressed in the Cyberian coat that she had been wrapped in when Doctor Carmilla first Mechanised her. The one Jonny had painstakingly fixed for her. It reminds her of that moment, thousands of years ago, when she was ever so afraid of death; bleeding out on the floor of her own palace as her people - the people she fought for and defended - rioted below. She remembers it clearly, and wishes she didn’t. She remembers Alyosha rushing her away as she hears the screams of her brothers, falling to her people’s anger. She hears his voice as he tucks her into his coat; a failed attempt at masking her identity.

_ “Anastasia, the revolution has reached the palace! They have taken your parents- I don’t know where. They’re gunning people down in the hallway- you must hide! You’ve got--” _

She remembers seeing her Tutor running into the room, and that feeling of relief - she’s  _ alive _ \- then Alyosha was on the ground, Tutor holding a knife dripping blood. Her Tutor smiled, a cruel, wicked thing.

“ _ Anastasia, there’s nothing we can do! Don’t you see? But... I can find you a comfortable spot on the wall. _ ”

The memory of the gunshot rings in her ears, and she remembers the burning pain - one now familiar to Nastya from living with the Mechanisms for so long. It was the first time she ever bled, having been born with haemophilia - the word murmured on the sidelines for years. She had always had to be treated gently, carefully moving from room to room to ensure that she never bled, for fear that she would never stop. She remembers falling to her knees, the impact of her hitting the floor. Then her Tutor stepped forward, running a hand through her hair as the other protesters entered the room. Nastya’s Tutor ushered them out, murmuring something about there being no risk, simply a child dying, and then Nastya grabbed her Tutor’s gun. She remembers the effort it took to push the gun against the woman she trusted’s chest, and how hard it was to pull the trigger; her first kill, ever. The next moments are a blur in her mind, she watched her tutor fall to the floor as well. She coughed up blood, and it’s the brightest red Nastya had ever seen. The smell is clear in her memory, the first and last time she smelt her blood in that state; the metallic rust that no longer matches the smell of the mercury in her veins. 

Her tutor lay dead, half slumped on the marble tiles. Nastya had hit something important; Ivy had theorised later that the bullet had hit a piece of circuitry that sent a power surge through her Tutor’s body, killing her almost instantly. Nastya remembers the fear, how it clawed at her throat as she sat there, unable to move. She moved a hand to touch her side, the pain something Nastya had never felt before. She had been treated like fine china, a delicate plate to show. Told to always “watch where she was going”, “be extremely careful”, and that any damage could lead to her death. Not necessarily something she needed to watch out for in the virtual world, but in the physical? Nastya had never been in pain before this moment. Never seen her own blood before it was running from the bullet wound in her side. 

Looking back, Nastya is certain she was crying when Doctor Carmilla entered the room. She barely had the energy to look up, expecting a rebel to come to finish her off. Perhaps make her pay for the death of her Tutor. Instead, Nastya was shocked by the stranger’s face, not knowing the danger that was before her. She was relieved - this woman seems… almost kind. She was beautiful - Nastya remembers the sharp lines of her face, the grace of her movements. The woman had one eye covered by bandages, and Nastya remembers a moment of wondering why the woman had ever been harmed, but then the woman had knelt down beside her. Her hand had come up to brush Nastya’s hair out of her face.

“ _ Anastasia. _ ” The Doctor murmured, and Nastya remembered jerking in surprise before the woman caught her; gently stopping her from shifting around too much. “ _ What a surprise… _ ” The woman looked down at the blood spreading over Nastya’s white shirt.

_ “Look around, _ ” she pointed to Nastya’s Tutor, “ _ these people, they don’t love you. They’ve taken everything. _ ” She was close, fingers brushing over Nastya’s cheek in what Nastya now believes was false sympathy. 

“ _ Everything. _ ” Carmilla repeated softly, looking down. She shook her head,  _ “it doesn’t have to be this way. I can give you something you never had. I can offer you… _ ” The stranger paused, looking for the right word, “ _ infinity. _ ”

Nastya felt - and still feels - the weight of this word. Immortality, the universe at her fingertips. Infinity. It doesn’t stop the numbness, Nastya knows this now, and internally she screams at her younger self, her naive, stupid self. 

“ _ You never had anyone. No one survived. _ ” She paused as Nastya began to cough, blood beginning to leak from her lips. It dripped down her chin, and she could taste it, harsh and foreign on her lips. The stranger’s hand came up to wipe away the liquid tenderly. She spoke softly, gently; the kindness something Nastya feels is wrong on Carmilla’s lips. 

“ _ I can give you eternal life, Anastasia. I am the only one who can save you. _ ” Carmilla smiled and ran her clean hand through Nastya’s hair. 

“Let me save you. Please.” Thinking back, Carmilla’s plea was strange. She never said please, never asked. Nastya doesn’t know why this moment was any different. Nastya barely remembers nodding, but she does remember Carmilla’s relieved sigh. She can remember being lifted, held close to Carmilla’s chest, and being shifted as she slowly died in her rescuer’s arms. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Waking up was hard when she came back for the first time. Nastya remembers it strangely; she only knows what was real through Jonny’s retelling of the encounter later, and even then, he hadn’t been there the whole time. Carmilla had been oddly tender at that point. Nastya remembers her murmured reassurances, the soft tone of her voice as she spoke. By the time Carmilla had… left, that tone was a rarity, and she would stalk through the halls with a low snarl. At one point, Nastya might have believed Carmilla when the Doctor said she loved her children, but looking back, Nastya believes that the Doctor loved the idea of family, rather than the individuals that she had forced together. 

Nastya does remember Carmilla’s kindness, however. How tender she could be when she was in the right mood, like in her first moments awake as a Mechanism. Nastya didn’t expect to wake up again. She had fallen unconscious as Dr. Carmilla brought her to the Aurora, and awoke lying on a metal slab that mimicked a hospital bed. It was tilted up so that Nastya was almost in a sitting position. She remembers immediately gasping for breath, and her hand - now weighted strangely - had moved to touch her side where the bullet wound should have been. She had been shocked when she felt no pain from touching her side, and then Carmilla’s voice had cut through her disorientation. 

“Gently, my dear. You’re still fragile, but you’re safe now.” The woman sat at Nastya’s side, drawing her attention. “I am Doctor Carmilla, and I saved your life.”

“Where-” Nastya began, but was interrupted by a fit of coughing. Her throat was incredibly dry, and it had never felt that way before. “Where am I?” She had managed after Carmilla pressed a cup of water to her lips.

“Safe, dear one. On my ship, the Aurora.” At the Doctor’s statement, the ship hummed to life, and Nastya could feel how alive it-  _ she  _ was. Nastya glanced around the room, trying to take in what was around her, but found her head lolling to the side, so much heavier than it had been before her death -  _ did she die? What even happened?  _

“What happened?” Nastya managed to ask, her throat ached and itched, but the water had helped. 

“Your people rebelled, they attempted to kill you. I barely reached you in time, but you’re alive now.” The doctor spoke, and Nastya frowned. There was the implication that she had  _ died.  _ But then… how was she here now? The Doctor interrupted her train of thought.

“You’re safe here, with me, and my- companion.” It was clear to Nastya that the Doctor did not know what to term whoever was with her, and then she saw him in the corner. Jonny. He disappeared soon after, and there was a little while where she didn’t know whether he was real at all. Carmilla smiled at her, and then pressed a cool kiss to her forehead. 

“Rest. You need to get your strength back.” And she left.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It took Nastya a few weeks to attempt to stand, she remembers that clearly enough. The first time the dizziness truly struck, as well as her first conversation with Jonny. With her brother. She had been attempting to get up on her own. The movement between sitting and standing threw her off balance every time, and she’d feel vaguely faint, but it had never been too serious. The Doctor had explained that she’d had to replace Nastya’s blood with mercury, hence how heavy and hard to move it had been, and that there might be other side effects as well. So when she attempted to stand and then found herself spiralling down to the floor, Nastya really hadn’t questioned it too much. She didn’t really remember starting to cry until she saw Jonny entering the room looking worried. 

“Kid, you okay?” He had said before really taking in the scene of her collapsed on the ground in tears. 

“Geez, okay. Come on princess, let’s get you back up on the bed.” She had shivered at how easily he called her by her title. He attempted to shift her back up to the bed, but the nausea and dizziness washed over her again, and she had ended up throwing up over his feet. 

“Sorry,” she managed between heaving breaths.

“S’okay.” He said, “it’ll be easier if you lie down. Stops the dizziness for a while.” And he helped her down onto her back. A now familiar movement that all of the crew knew to do if Jonny or Nastya dropped suddenly. “I’ll grab you some water.” He returned with a bottle ending with a straw. She could drink it while lying down, which at the time seemed strange. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed she’d been lying in for the past few weeks. 

“Anastasia, isn’t it?” He said as he gave her space to breathe. 

She managed to shake her head. “I prefer Nastya.” 

He nodded.

“Jonny.” And she smiled. “Alright Princess. Let me know when you’re feeling okay, and we can try and get you up on the bed again.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


She can’t pull herself out of the memories. They’re linked to the room she lies in; to the air she breathes; to Aurora, one of her lovers; to the crew, her family; to her very skin and bones. So she lets herself sink back into the past.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Jonny had told Carmilla about the side effects and the dizziness, and Carmilla had come to talk to her about it. A side effect of her blood, perhaps, or maybe even mechanisation in general, as Jonny was - and is still - affected by the same symptoms. 

“I want to run some tests,” the doctor had told her. “Nothing too serious. Simple things to ensure that your organs are functioning well, and that everything is running smoothly.” Nastya hadn’t had the option of saying ‘no’, but Carmilla had been gentle, assuring her that everything would be well, explaining what she was doing, and tenderly putting Nastya under anaesthetic with a kiss to her brow. 

Coming to had hurt more than the first time, and Nastya had been left gasping for air. Carmilla was sitting next to her, and tugged Nastya into her lap, whispering calming phrases into the princess’s hair until she calmed. 

Nastya remembers the careful, tender affection Carmilla had given to her and Jonny in the beginning. The times where Nastya had been able to fall into her side weeping and get soothed by a woman who had openly said she considered Jonny and Nastya her children. Before she had become obsessed with fixing them, ensuring that everything was running perfectly. Nastya thinks that initially it had been to protect them and keep them from harm, but by the time that Ashes joined the crew, it had shifted into a need for perfection that neither Jonny nor Nastya were able to provide. 

Nastya remembers walking in on Carmilla sobbing over Jonny’s unconscious form, murmuring to him. Telling him that she just wanted him to be okay, and that she’d fix it if he could just be more cooperative. The doctor had looked up as Nastya entered and spoke.

“I don’t want you perfect, I just want you to be okay. I want to fix you. I did this, so I can make it better. I have to make it better. I have to- so you don’t leave me.” Nastya didn’t entirely believe it then, but thinking about their interactions… perhaps it wasn’t a need for perfection. Perhaps she was thinking as a mother who’s only way of helping her children hurt them. She’d seen it enough on other planets to know that it was a possibility. 

* * *

Nastya is numb, but she manages to stand. She feels the mercury in her veins shift and she’s suddenly dizzy, the world spinning and twisting around her. She sinks back down to her knees, her thoughts spinning. The memories allow a thought to plant into her head, and she’s reminded of something Brian once said; if you replace every part of a ship, is it still the same ship? He had been talking about himself at that point, wondering if he was still the same person as he was before Mechanisation. Ivy had commented that it came from an ancient philosopher from Tim’s planet. Theseus’s Ship by Plutarch, or something Nastya thinks. It brings her to question her Aurora… can she even call Aurora hers? All that they’ve done, upgrades, repairs, they must add up over the years, and Nastya thinks back to her Aurora. The original Aurora, who was good and sweet, who’d help them hide from Carmilla and who’d shy from violence, and Nastya is hit by something; this Aurora is not the same, and the tears fall fast and free. 

She lies there sobbing for hours. She can feel Aurora - the false Aurora - questioning her, trying to assure her that she’s safe and that everything will be okay, but it only makes her weep harder. Hiccupping wails rip through her, and she cannot remember the last time she cried like this ( _ a lie, she knows the exact last time, and it was when Jonny took her back to Cyberia _ ). She knows Aurora can feel her pain, and some vicious deep part of Nastya murmurs  _ good. She deserves to feel the suffering  _ she’s  _ caused. _

Eventually the tears die and the sickening numbness returns. She casts her mind out to whether there is any of Her Aurora left, and she remembers the old piece of hull that she’d seen while attempting to fix the steering thrusters. She has to get it, she knows that with her whole being. She must get the last piece of Her Aurora. She manages to stand, catching herself on the wall to keep her steady, and then begins her journey to the rusted sheet of metal that is what’s left of her love. Something traitorous within her whispers that Ivy, TS, and Raphaella love her as well, and they’re still hers as much as she is theirs, but she  _ can’t  _ stay any longer. She has to leave otherwise the grief will overwhelm her.

It isn’t hard for Nastya to pretend to be heading to fix a piece of damaged hull when Ashes asks where she’s heading. They nod, and ask if there’s anything they can grab her to make the job easier, and Nastya decides that she will actually fix up that sheet properly, and lets Ashes fetch a sheet of the metal that they’ve been using to patch up the exterior hull.

“Need a hand?” Ashes asks when they return, and Nastya smiles, revelling in what she now thinks will be perhaps her last moments with Ashes.

“Thank you, but I think I’ll be fine. Nothing too serious out there, just want to catch it before it gets worse.” The lie slips easily from her mouth, and it almost hurts that Ashes doesn’t seem to notice that anything is wrong. Almost. It doesn’t because Nastya doesn’t want Ashes remembering their last moments with her as being sad. It’s at this point Nastya decides she won’t say goodbye. Not to anyone. She’ll just slip away quietly and be gone before anyone notices. It’ll hurt less, she hopes. 

Ashes lets her head outside, kitted up with oxygen and a tether to collect Her Aurora. It doesn’t take long, and soon she’s cradling the last part of her heart. Once again something murmurs that Raphaella, Ivy, and TS love her as much as she loves them, and that she shouldn’t leave, but she brushes it aside- they’ll be happier without her anyway.

She decides that she’ll give them all last moments; ones that they can cherish. Ones that she can count as being goodbyes, even if the words never leave her lips. An octokitten looks up at her, and she decides that she’ll go see Tim and see if he wants to feed them with her. Hopefully without getting shot while asking.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It isn’t hard for Nastya to find Tim after she has stored away Her Aurora. Aer in the Artillery as usual, polishing a gun ae had purchased the last time they went planetside. The sight is calming; she’s glad that her goodbye with Tim will be normal. 

“Tim?” She calls from the doorway, and ae goes to brandish a weapon before ae fully register that it’s her at the door. Ae relaxes at the sight of her and she continues. “I am going to go and feed the octokittens; care to join me?” and ae grin. 

“‘Course. Just a moment.” Ae sets down the gun, closes the polish and drops the rag somewhere on aer cluttered desk. 

The movements they go through to feed the kittens are familiar and normal; almost enough to persuade her to stay. The octokittens clamour at the duo for food, and several attempt to take chunks out of Tim’s arms. They’ve never really attempted that with her - she assumes it’s due to the mercury in her veins. It’s probably something the kittens want to avoid.

Nastya finds herself laughing at the way Better Jonny clings to her, rumbling purrs at her and demanding pats. Her hands come to scratch at his ears. Nastya smiles, small and sad, Tim glances over at her and raises an eyebrow. She shakes her head and ae accept it. She’s thankful for that. Tim knows not to push. She’ll miss aer. Better Jonny hisses at her when she stops petting him and she chuckles, continuing the movement. 

It’s easy to fall into their usual pattern, to ignore the turmoil that coils in her stomach. She smiles at the kittens as they scarf down the food provided, laughs as Tim attempts to tug Better Marius off aer arm as it gnaws at aer. She steps forwards to help get the octokitten off, and it ends up clinging to her face instead. She snorts and peels its tentacles off her face, cradling it next to Better Jonny for a moment, then the pair begin to hiss at each other and she decides to put them both down into the pile of kittens eating.

Tim and Nastya stay for a little while, they watch the kittens play and eat together before Tim rolls aer shoulders. 

“Right; I should go back to Artillery and make sure we got enough ammunition while planetside. See you later Nas.” Ae waves at her and begins to pick aer way back down the stairs.

Nastya stays for a little while longer, revelling in the normalcy of the encounter. 

One goodbye down.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It’s easy enough for Nastya to track down Brian in the flight deck of the Aurora. He sits in the pilot’s chair staring out at the stars. He glances up as she approaches.

“Aurora seemed worried about you earlier.” Brian’s comment is simple, as though he’s discussing the weather, and Nastya gives a half shrug, sitting next to him in the copilot’s seat. 

“I was stuck in my head for a little while.” Brian nods, and Nastya knows that he understands. He had been the same when they pulled him from the sun, always thinking and getting pulled into dark spirals. 

“I was going to chart our next course. Jonny wants to go somewhere warm; any thoughts?” She appreciates the distraction, and together they decide on a sector near New Constantinople. Ivy had mentioned wanting to go back, and the sector is warm enough for Jonny to be satisfied. 

Eventually the pair slip into a comfortable silence, staring out at the stars. 

Brian shifts softly almost an hour later in an attempt to ease out his joints and gears. Nastya looks over with concern but he brushes it off gently.

“Just getting a little stiff. I’m going to go and warm up before I get any worse.” Nastya nods and lets him go.

She remains there, staring as they drift through the stars. It’s pretty, she thinks, and wishes she could float there for eternity. 

This is how the Toy Soldier finds her, curled in the copilot’s chair. It lightly nudges her shoulder and she starts, blinking up at it with wide eyes.

“Sorry To Disturb You, Old Bean, But Ivy Was Wondering If You Would Like To Join Us For A Tea Party.” It smiles, and Nastya lets herself relax. She nods, sitting up and stretching before the dizziness sits, and she leans back down again.

“Are You Alright There, Princess?” It asks, and Nastya frowns at it. It doesn't usually call her Princess. “Captain D’Ville Has Ordered That I Call You By Your Title. And That I Call Him Captain.” 

“Would you like me to undo that?” It nods, “TS, I order you to call me Nastya, and to ignore the rest of Jonny’s previous order.” It grins.

“Thank You Nastya. You Did Not Answer Me Properly, However. Are You Alright?” She snorts softly. 

“I’m fine, just sat up a little too fast.”

“Would You Like Me To Carry You To The Tea Rooms?”

“I- Yes. That’d be helpful, thank you.” Normally she wouldn’t accept the offer, but she’s tired enough at this point that walking sounds too hard, and she lets TS scoop her gently into its arms. She lets her head fall lightly onto its chest and lets it take her to the tearooms.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Ivy looks up in concern when TS arrives cradling a half-asleep Nastya in its arms. It’s rare for Nastya to sleep during the night cycle, and rarer still for her to take naps. The engineer prefers to keep busy rather than sleep. 

“Alright there Nas?” Ivy keeps her tone light, but as Nastya comes back to herself, she can see that Ivy’s worried. 

“Fine - just lightheaded.” Nastya manages through a yawn. Ivy doesn’t look convinced, but doesn’t say anything more. The Toy Soldier sits Nastya down carefully in her usual seat; a red armchair that Jonny had stolen from the Marquis de All-The-Knives. 

TS busies itself with making tea as Ivy grabs a plate and then begins to place Nastya’s favourites from the table onto it. She hands it over carefully, and Nastya raises an eyebrow at her.

“Is it a bad thing for me to want to look after my girlfriend?” Ivy questions, and Nastya shakes her head.

“I suppose I don’t want to be treated like I’m a child or like I need supervision,” Nastya says, and Ivy nods.

“I’m sorry, love.” Ivy reaches out and takes Nastya’s hand. “‘Rora said you’d been off earlier, and I’m just worried about you.” Nastya shrugs and doesn’t look at Ivy.

“It’s just been one of those days.” It’s not a lie, per say, Nastya does have days that she’s mentally and physically not well, and she’s often isolates herself and acts differently during them. There’s just… more this time. Ivy seems to accept the mistruth and simply smiles sadly.

“I know you struggle to ask for help when you need it, but we’re all here for you,” Ivy says, and Nastya wants to cry. She doesn’t deserve this- doesn’t deserve them. Her Aurora is gone, and the crew - while having done terrible things - are far too good for her. 

TS chooses this moment to return and passes her a steaming mug. It smells spicy and familiar and it brings her closer to tears; she’d initially chosen chai as her preferred blend of tea due to its similarity to the drinks back on Cyberia, but now the smell and the care that the Toy Soldier took to get it to her hits far too close to home. TS looks over at Ivy in distress as tears begin to drip down Nastya’s face.

“I’m fine- I’m fine-” Nastya tries, but the tears keep flowing. 

“Did I Do Something Wrong?” Nastya can hear the worry in the Soldier’s tone and she shakes her head rapidly. She can see Ivy moving to kneel in front of her chair.

“There is an 81% chance that physical contact will help you feel better, but only a 47% chance that you want it.” Ivy begins, but Nastya’s only half listening, her focus fixed on attempting to calm her breathing. “May I touch you?” Nastya’s nod is all Ivy needs to tug Nastya into her arms.

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” Ivy repeats into Nasta’s hair. “You’re safe.” Nastya can feel Ivy talking, but her focus is drifting away. She’s pretty sure that Ivy’s telling TS something about the fact that Nastya’s reaction isn’t it’s fault at all, and she wants to speak, but it’s all a little too much. The noise around her shifts to complete incoherence, static. She closes her eyes, the room is spinning too much for her to concentrate on looking at anything, and her hands clutch at Ivy’s shirt. Her fingers tangle into the fabric, running over the threads in repetitive motions, and she feels one of Ivy’s hands coming up to rest in her hair, fingernails running lightly over her scalp in a soothing motion. 

It takes a little while for Nastya to calm down, and eventually she finds herself back in her body. She eventually makes vague grabby hands towards TS in an attempt to get a hug from it. It leans in immediately, and she whispers an apology into its neck.

“Do Not Apologise Nastya. I Am Simply Worried About Your Welbeing.” 

She smiles; a watery fragile thing. 

“I’m okay.” Nastya murmurs. “Just feeling a little… fragile.”

Ivy nods from underneath Nastya. 

“Anything we can do?” The redhead asks.

“Just- just stay with me?” Nastya knows that she doesn’t deserve it, but she can’t help but ask; she wants to spend her last moments with Ivy and the Toy Soldier in comfort. 

“Course,” Ivy answers immediately, and Nastya gives a tired smile, and lets herself rest between the pair.

It takes Nastya almost an hour to feel safe enough to leave the embrace of her partners. She had been shifted several times between Ivy and TS several times, simply so that the duo could change positions. 

Eventually she looks over to them, and moves to stand. It’s not unusual for Nastya to break down, and then get up and leave; it’s simply how she deals with coming down from high stress situations. Neither TS nor Ivy move to stop her, but Nastya can see them exchange a worried glance. She turns back at the door to the tea rooms.

“I-” and she pauses; she doesn’t know what to do, what to say. “I’m sorry.” And then she leaves.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Nastya heads to her room, she can’t cope with seeing people. She knows that any interaction is going to be too overwhelming for her to actually comprehend. Of course, it’s just her luck that Marius catches her in the hallway, and, as usual, he lacks any form of verbal filter.

“Nastya!” He flashes her with a manic grin and then it falls as he sees her expression. “What’s wro-” 

The gunshot is loud, and Nastya normally would’ve been startled by it. She didn’t even register pulling the trigger, and as Marius slumps to the ground, she looks down at the gun in her hand. She takes a step, and another, before she slumps over against a wall and lets out a long breath. She looks down at Marius’s body, and watches as his blood begins to pool on the floor. She lets out another shuddering breath, and then steps over the still twitching body of her friend, her crewmate. 

Her actions send her in another downward spiral - she has to leave,  _ now.  _ She just  _ shot  _ Marius without even registering it. Sure, he’d get up later, but she’d killed him without noticing she’d even drawn her gun. She knows she isn’t safe to be around now. Too unstable, too emotional, too worthless for the crew to be around. She’s stuck with people too good for her, trapped on a ship that was pretending to be something she wasn’t. 

All Nastya knows is that she has to get out. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Nastya packs quickly, she really doesn’t need much overall. She grabs her coat - the one that Jonny had painstakingly fixed for her. She knows the coat’s presence will hurt her later, but she can’t bear to leave such an important part of her behind. She puts the small paper bag of butterscotch in her pocket with a wobbly smile. It had been delivered while she was out, and she knows Jonny had done it to cheer her up -  _ yet another reason for her to leave; she doesn’t deserve her brother, how good he is to her -  _ and she can’t help but take them for the small amount of comfort it will bring. 

She lets out a breath and glances around her room. Has she forgotten anything? A small voice inside her murmurs that it won’t matter- she’s leaving to drift in space forever, not to go on a holiday. 

Nastya knows her leaving will hurt the others; she  _ knows.  _ Jonny will be devastated, her brother has lost so much in his life, and her leaving will crush him. Ivy, Raph, TS, they’re her partners. They love her. She loves them. Tim? Ae love her as well, they’ve bonded over the octokittens and their interest in mechanics. Marius can be an idiot, but he’s one of her idiots, and she cares for him more than she can say. Ashes- Ashes has been a lifeline over the years. They’ve been a steady point to anchor onto, someone Nastya knows she can fall back on should things go wrong. Yet she knows they’ll be better off without her. They might miss her for a few years, but they’ll get over it. It’ll just be like when someone gets attached to a mortal. It’s sad when they die, but the crew always get over it quickly enough. Brian had mourned Mordred, but he had recovered. Ashes had loved Ulysses, but in the end, they still burnt the City, and left smiling. Nastya will just fade in their memories, as though a dream, and she decides that she’s ready to go.

Nastya grabs a re-breather and her gun - reloaded now with fresh ammunition - and then glances down to the last piece of Her Aurora. She picks it up tenderly, carefully tucking it under her arm. She begins to pick her way towards the airlock, praying that she doesn’t run into anyone while she goes.

* * *

  
  


Aurora tries to stop her as she leaves. Nastya isn’t surprised that the ship attempts it. She sends out cables to catch Nastya, and her screens show the ship begging for Nastya to stay, to wait and think it out, but it’s relatively easy for Nastya to ignore the imposter. 

‘ _Nastya, my love, please don’t leave. We need you. I love you. Please, don’t go.’_ _  
__  
_ _‘My darling, please don’t leave me. Don’t leave us.’_

_ ‘Nastya, please. Please.’ _

Nastya almost trips over a well placed cord, but manages to catch herself before she tips face first onto the floor.

“Stop it!” She snaps. “I’m leaving. I have to leave. You aren’t even  _ her.  _ Why try so hard to make me stay when you aren’t even the real Aurora?” Nastya ends up snarling at the ship.

A screen pulls out.

‘ _ If not for me, then for the others...’  _ Nastya knows the False Aurora has more to say, but she can’t bear to talk to the impostor any longer.

“Just let me leave.” She says coldly, cradling the last piece of Her Aurora to her heart.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It doesn’t take long for her to make it to the airlock without the False Aurora actively attempting to slow her down; the ship had turned off gravity in this wing, but it doesn’t slow Nastya down very much. She hefts open the door; it’s heavy and usually Aurora would help her open it, but she manages alright. As she finally gets it open, she hears the loud ricochet of bullets, and she whirls around as one of the shots slams into her arm. She curses as she feels the last piece of her Aurora fall out from under her arm. She moves to cradle her injured limb to her chest.

Jonny. Oh  _ no. _

He ends up drifting into the airlock door, and she frowns at him. She  _ really  _ doesn’t want to have to have this interaction. 

“Nastya?” She can hear the confusion in his voice. She can’t meet his eyes.

“Hello Jonny.” She says, the numbness sinking into her bones. She doesn’t want him to see her leave. He doesn’t respond immediately, instead reaching down to pick up Her Aurora. Nastya goes to take the metal from him, but the movement jostles her injured arm and she lets out a hiss of air as she snaps.

“Give that back!” She’s going to lose almost everything by leaving, but she can’t leave Her Aurora behind. She  _ can’t.  _ She has to take something with her. She needs to keep something of this life with her, a memory to hold onto. She attempts to grab it from him, but he catches her hand easily. 

“What the hell are you up to?” He asks, and she freezes. “Going somewhere?”

“Out,” is all she manages to respond with. 

“Uh-uh. That’s not a good enough answer. It’s not really an answer at all, and I’m going to need a whole explanation before I give you this…hunk of junk back. Come on. Where are you going?” 

Nastya doesn’t respond immediately, looking at the last piece of Her Aurora. She  _ can’t  _ leave her.

“I told you. Out. I don’t know where. Somewhere else.” She manages with a shrug. 

“But we’re in the middle of fucking nowhere,” Jonny snaps, making Nastya jump. She hates it when he raises his voice, and he softens slightly at her flinch, but his voice is still hard as he continues, realising she won’t answer. “Okay then. You can be a mysterious fucking cable-fucker if you want. When are you coming back?”

Okay, she does have to have this conversation. 

“Probably won’t,” she says, almost reluctantly. He freezes, staring at her in mute horror. It’s probably bad that her instinct is to snatch the last piece of Her Aurora off Jonny and attempt to flee, but she does it anyway. 

“Wait,” he grabs and spins her round and god- the look on his face is almost enough to make her want to stay. Almost. “What’s so important about that fucking metal, then? Taking a little memento so you don’t forget your precious fucking spaceship?” He laughs, but Nastya knows him well enough to pick that it’s only a cover to prevent him showing just how lost he is.

She doesn’t laugh with him. It takes her a moment to respond in an attempt to not snap at her brother. 

“No. I’m taking her with me.” 

Jonny looks at her in confusion.

“Huh?”

“All of her that’s left.” He keeps looking at her, and Nastya knows she’s going to have to elaborate.

“Think how long she’s been flying you around. Think how many bullet holes you’ve punched through her and how many atmospheres you’ve dropped her through. Think how many alterations and improvements we’ve made, Tim to her guns and Ashes to her storage and Brian to her engines and the Toy Soldier to who knows what. How much do you think is left of her after all she’s brought you through?”

“So she’s free, now.” Nastya waves her hand around to the ship they stand in. “This Aurora can take you where you want to go. I’m going to take my Aurora somewhere else.”

“And you’re not coming back?” And Nastya’s heart breaks at the expression he pulls when she shakes her head. She turns to enter the airlock, and Jonny’s voice makes her pause.

“Wait-” and she turns to look at him, raising an eyebrow. He makes a grabby motion at her, and she lets him step into a hug. Nastya lets out a slow breath in an attempt to keep herself from faltering, from weeping into her brother’s shoulder. She doesn’t notice him moving his arms up to aim his gun, but she does when he fires it through her skull and she collapses into his arms. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Nastya comes back to herself, head spinning, and finds herself cradled in Ivy’s arms. She can see Raphaella sitting across from her, and realises that someone must have carried her into the Rec room while she was unconscious. She lies curled on Ivy’s lap. Her girlfriend’s hand rubs her shoulder softly, and she blinks slowly in an attempt to focus properly on her surroundings.

“Back with us sweetheart?” Raphaella speaks, and Nastya lets out a soft whine, pressing her face back into Ivy’s shoulder. Words are far away and she can barely think straight, let alone force her thoughts into something comprehensive enough for speech. 

“That’s alright love, take your time.” Raphaella soothes. Nastya frowns slightly - Jonny had shot her.  _ Killed her.  _ To… prevent her from leaving? She can’t make sense of it fully; her head still pounds from where the bullet must’ve been picked out of her skull. 

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Ivy murmurs into her hair, but Nastya doesn’t respond, letting out a soft sob as she clutches at Ivy’s shirt. “Easy there, love, you’re alright. We’re here.” 

Nastya lets out another choked noise of distress. She can vaguely hear Raphaella moving from behind her, but doesn’t really register it until she feels Raphaella pressing up against her back. Her girlfriend’s wings curl around both Ivy and Nastya herself, the movement creates a soft barrier between the trio and the world around them. Nastya lets out another soft whine, reaching for Raphaella with one hand. 

“Hush, dear one. We have you, you’re safe. We are going to let you go that easy.” Raphaella murmurs into Nastya’s ear. It takes Nastya a moment, but she manages to speak.

“I’m sorry-” and then she breaks off with a sob. “I’m sorry.” She repeats herself, her breath speeding up as anxiety strikes hard in her gut. 

“Oh sweetheart.” Raphaella sighs into Nastya’s hair. “We aren’t mad at you.”

“There is a 98% chance that Nastya does not believe that.” Ivy murmurs to Raphaella, who nods lightly; it seems as though she had anticipated that.

“TS is currently getting us tea.” Raphaella murmurs. “Once it’s back, we can have a bigger conversation, yeah?” Nastya gives a half shrug, burying herself closer to her partners. She can feel Ivy smile into her forehead.

“It might be easier if we lie down for cuddles?” Ivy suggests, and Nastya nods slightly. Raphaella chuckles. 

“Alright, down we go.” And the trio tip down to the floor that over the years has been covered in mattresses and blankets. 

Nastya immediately finds herself tucked between two of her girlfriends, Raph pressed against her back, and Ivy at her front, running fingers through her hair, Nastya’s head tucked under her chin. She lets herself be comforted by their presence. 

A few minutes later, Nastya is half asleep again, and she half hears the door as it opens. 

“Is Nastya Awake?” She’s more present as she hears TS speak.

“There is a 78% chance she is still mostly awake,” Ivy’s chest rumbles slightly as she speaks and Nastya nods, eyes still closed. Raphaella chuckles softly into Nastya’s hair. 

“Alright, come on up for tea, sweetheart.” Raphaella gently maneuvers Nastya so that she’s sitting in her lap.

“Thank you,” Nastya’s voice is slurred slightly as she speaks. It’s still hard to talk, but she feels more present. 

The Toy Soldier presents Nastya with a cup of tea, it smells unfamiliar but good; something herbal and sweet. Her hands shake badly as she accepts the teacup, and Raphaella’s quickly come up to bracket her own around the mug. 

Nastya is awake enough to see the look that Ivy, Raphaella and TS exchange, and she flinches slightly; she knows the conversation approaching is going to be hard. They only look more worried with her flinch, and she sinks as far back into Raph as she can. They sit in silence for a few minutes, and Nastya sips her tea while trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

“We do need to talk about this Nas.” Raphaella finally speaks up, and Nastya looks down, but nods. She does know the conversation needs to happen, but that doesn’t mean she likes it. 

There is the faint sound of gears and pistons moving as Aurora sends out a screen.

‘ _ I would like to be involved with this conversation too, please.’  _ Nastya winces as she reads the text on the screen. Raphaella nods.

“That would probably be for the best, ‘Rora.”

‘ _ Thank you <3’ _

“Nastya, there is a 80% chance you feel well enough to begin having this conversation. Could we begin?” Ivy asks, and Nastya gives a half shrug. 

“Sure.” She murmurs. 

“Where Should We Start?” TS questions, speaking up for the first time in a while.

“Maybe with some more tea?” Ivy suggests. Nastya looks down- Ivy’s right. In her attempt to avoid talking, she’s already finished the tea that TS had brought her. 

“Please,” Nastya requests.

“Would Everyone Like Their Usual Orders?” Nastya nods and gives the Soldier a small smile.

“I’ll pass, thank you.” Raphaella says with a smile. 

The group lets TS busy itself with making tea. No one speaks, and Nastya can feel the tension growing. She looks down into her lap, and all she can think is that  _ she  _ caused this. She couldn’t even leave without causing everyone more distress. Why couldn’t it just have gone to plan. Why did Jonny have to shoot her? Why couldn’t he just let her leave, so the crew wouldn’t have to deal with her presence anymore?

“Nastya, there is an 87% chance you’re stuck in your head again. Can we help?” Ivy breaks through Nastya’s rapidly spiralling thoughts. She shakes her head, and focuses on breathing and being present.

TS eventually returns with a tray laden with tea, as well as several other supplies that it would normally bring to a tea party. It sits down next to Raphaella and crosses its legs.

“Tea Is Served!” It smiles, and receives several ‘thank you’s from the others for its troubles.

“So, Nas, do you want to start, or would you prefer it if we asked questions, and you answered?” Raphaella questions, having allowed enough time for everyone to start on the tea and nibbles provided.

Nastya bites her lip and thinks for a moment. 

“The second, please.” That way, she’ll only tell them what they want to know, and maybe it’ll make them see that she was leaving to make it  _ better  _ for them.

“Alright. Could you tell us why you were at the airlock?” Raphaella asks, and why-  _ why _ does it have to be a hard question first.

“I- I was leaving.” 

“Where Were You Going?” TS speaks up after it takes a sip from its mug.

“I’m… not sure. Out.” Nastya leans back into Raphaella, who’s arms tighten around her.

“Do you know why you wanted to go out?” Ivy gently prompts.

“I was leaving.” Nastya says, and Ivy nods for her to continue. “It- it seemed like a good idea at the time. You’d be better off without me.”

“No! No-” Raphaella snaps, and Nastya flinches. She continues, calmer now. “Sweetheart, we would not be better without you. We love you, and we need you with us.” Nastya can only manage a shrug in response. She doesn’t believe Raphaella, not entirely, but at present, she doesn’t want to push the matter.

“Jonny said you had something with you. Part of ‘Rora’s outer hull. You were taking it with you?” Ivy changes the topic, and Nastya almost wishes she had pushed on Raphaella’s point. 

She stays silent, even with everyone staring at her.

‘ _ I believe I can assist? While Nastya was attempting to leave, I had a conversation with her.’ _

“Go on,” Raphaella says as everyone finishes reading what Aurora had said.

‘ _ She said, “ _ Stop it! I’m leaving. I have to leave. You aren’t even  _ her.  _ Why try so hard to make me stay when you aren’t even the real Aurora?”’ Aurora plays a recording of Nastya’s voice, and everyone can see how distressed their ship is over it. 

“Nastya, love… what did you mean by ‘not the real Aurora’?” Ivy questions, “and what does it have to do with this?” Ivy produces the piece of hull, and Nastya automatically lunges for it.

“Nas!” Raphaella lets out a startled yelp as Nastya moves. She almost sends her tea flying, but Raphaella manages to catch it before any damage is done. Nastya doesn’t manage to catch the chunk of hull, and she ends up partially sprawled on the mattress between Raphaella and Ivy. Her head spins, and she can feel how fast her pulse is racing. She doesn’t move again. Instead she focuses on breathing in and out slowly. 

“Nastya, why is this piece of metal so important to you?” Ivy asks, her hand coming to brush over Nastya’s cheek in concern. 

Nastya doesn’t answer.

Aurora lets a click sound, one Nastya knows means she wants to talk. Nastya doesn’t move her head, and so Ivy begins to read what Aurora says aloud. 

‘ _ It is the last of my original hull. Over the years, I have been upgraded and improved, and this is what remains of my original technology. I believe Nastya thinks that I’m not the same ship as I once was…  _

_ ‘Which is true, in a way.’ _

“Nastya…” Ivy’s voice is full of pity, and Nastya hates it. She turns her head away from the direction of Ivy’s voice, steadily ignoring her. 

“Nastya, please listen.” Ivy repeats, and Nastya reluctantly looks up at her. “Sit up?” Ivy requests, and Nastya makes an attempt. Almost immediately TS is behind her, helping her sit up into a stable position.

“Nastya,” Ivy begins. “Are any of us the same people we were when all of this started? When we were first Mechanised?” 

Nastya shakes her head softly; she can’t quite see where Ivy is leading with this. Raphaella seems too, though, and nods.

“Is it fair to say that we’re all incredibly different than we were, and that we’re still growing, but we’ll still love each other through those changes?” Raphaella picks up where Ivy has paused. Nastya nods.

“I don’t see how this-” Nastya starts, but Ivy holds up a hand.

“Let us finish?” Nastya nods. “Do you think Aurora can’t learn and grow like we do?” And then it hits Nastya, and  _ god- what has she done. _

Aurora is still hers. Aurora has always been hers, and shit, she’s ruined  _ everything. How could Aurora still love her after this.  _ How could any of them still love her over this? She’s such an idiot, why, why couldn’t she have just been sensible, and  _ talked  _ to people about what was going on. Now she’s going to be forced to leave, because none of them will be able to stand her anymore, and she can’t do this, she can’t- she can’t. It’s too much. This is all too much, and she’s so afraid, and the room is spinning and twisting in on her, and she cannot breathe. Nastya is no longer thinking, mind numb to everything except for panic. The walls seem to be closing in, and where TS’s hands once held her comfortingly, now they feel suffocating. It pulls back as she lets out a sharp whine. She cannot cope with this. All she can comprehend is that it’s  _ all her fault. _ And the spiral starts again. 

“-stya! Nastya!” She can vaguely hear a voice breaking through her panic. She manages to pull herself back into the present to see Raphaella’s worried face as she repeats Nastya’s name. 

She can’t speak, can barely breath, but the only thing running through Nastya’s head is  _ I’m sorry.  _ She lets out a choked sob, and then the words tumble out.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean- I couldn’t- Прости меня пожалуйста.” She ends up slipping into Cyberian, the tears falling hard and fast. She starts slightly as Aurora sends out several metal tendrils to cradle her, and she looks up through her tears as Aurora sends a message.

‘ _ I love you Nastya. I love you, and I forgive you. I love you.’  _

Automatically Nastya’s hands clutch at Aurora’s tendrils, and she lets out another violent sob. 

“Love,” Raphaella says cautiously, “can we touch you?” Nastya nods, and almost immediately she’s surrounded by her partners, boxed in by them in a way that makes her feel safe and loved. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


They linger that way for a long time, until Jonny stumbles into the room, and he and Nastya make direct eye contact. She winces and looks away, but Aurora nudges her up to speak with him, and the others pull away from the embrace. 

Jonny walks over to her, and there is a moment where she stays kneeling. He offers her a hand, and she takes it, allowing him to pull her up, and suddenly his arms are around her. At this point, Nastya knows he doesn’t care that the other crewmates can see. They hug, and hug, and hug, both clinging tightly to one another, both  _ intimately  _ aware of how close they came to losing each other. 

“Don’t  _ ever  _ do that to me again, y’hear?” Jonny murmurs into her hair, and she nods. “Promise?”

“Not ever.” Nastya responds, and they both feel the weight of her words. For immortals, ‘not ever’ is a  _ very  _ long time indeed, and neither Jonny or Nastya are in the habit of breaking promises, especially not to each other. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Nastya can see Raphaella shifting to guide Ivy and the Toy Soldier out of the room to leave her in peace with her brother. 

“I thought I was going to lose you.” Jonny says quietly, “and that was so fucking scary Nas.”

“I won’t do it again. I’m sorry.” She hears herself speak, but her voice feels far away, as though in a dream. All she can focus on is the way Jonny clings to her and she finds herself tugging them both down to sit on the mattress covered floor. Almost immediately, Jonny pulls her onto his lap so that they can keep in contact. 

“I was being stupid, I’m sorry. I didn’t think it through properly. Just- I got caught in my head.” Nastya whispers, her words meant only for him, and his grip tightens around her shoulders. 

“I- Just tell us next time? We’re all fucking bastards, but we love you. We want you here.” He sighs. “Next time you feel numb, don’t get caught in it. Come talk to us. We’re assholes, but we ain’t that awful. We ain’t gonna just leave you to suffer alone.” 

Nastya knows this, and nods. She’d just been so stuck inside the swirling void of numbness and pain. 

“I’ll try to talk about it more.” Nastya says, and she and Jonny know that she will. It’s an unspoken promise between them, but for now, the pair relish in the ability to be close to each other. 

Jonny starts to hum - a familiar old tune that hasn’t been heard in centuries aboard Aurora. It’s a song only Nastya and Jonny know, from a time where they had both been younger… happier. Back when Carmilla had been able to smile with them and had laughed when Jonny started to sing off key, before telling the pair to grab their instruments because they were going to play something. A song that they had sung to one another when the nightmares struck. One Carmilla had written for them when they had asked for it, and one that had morphed and grown over the years that had passed between them. A song not tainted by bloodstains, grief or violence, but one that was soft, gentle and kind. 

A song that sounded like family, and home, and safety. 

**Author's Note:**

> TWS:  
> Dissociation - Nastya dissociates throughout the whole fic  
> Flashbacks - Nastya remembering the occurrences of Cyberian Demons, and several instances of Dr. Carmilla's C- parenting  
> Canon typical gun violence - Nastya gets shot in a flashback, Nastya shoots Marius without noticing, and proceeds to panic about it, and Jonny shoots Nastya twice (once to injure, the second to kill.)  
> Description of nausea and vomiting  
> Brief mention of chronic illness and disabilities needing to be fixed for someone to be 'perfect' - featured in Nastya musing over her and Jonny's relationship with Dr. Carmilla.*  
> Brief mention of canonical noncon surgeries - Carmilla's in this fic  
> Passive Suicidal Ideation - Nastya wishes she could float in space for eternity, as much of a death as she can get for the mechs  
> Mention of Chronic Pain - Brian and the cold  
> Self worth issues - littered throughout due to Nastya's mindset (such as not believing she's worthy of the Mechanisms love)  
> Nastya goes nonverbal several times throughout this fic - based on my own experiences
> 
> let me know if there's anything else that needs a warning please! 
> 
> dialogue from the first part of the flashback is taken directly from a transcription of Cyberian Demons in the Lashings performance.  
> dialogue from Nastya attempting to leave comes directly from the Out fiction found on the Mechanisms website.
> 
> * i should note that I do Not condone portraying Dr. Carmilla as being ableist, racist, homophobic or transphobic. I have attempted to portray Carmilla in a similar light to the way my own parents reacted to my diagnosis, and hope to dig deeper into how Carmilla feels in other parts of the series.  
> \---
> 
> hooo boy it's finished. this has been in my drafts for,,, a while. longer than the other fics in this series in any case. just checked - it sat at 1,500 without any progress for almost a month. whoops. this is,,,, so much longer than intended. it was meant to be,,, 2000 words just fixing Out and then it just... kept going.
> 
> big thanks to my partner who dealt with me randomly messaging passages of this to them at various times, and to a friend, who dealt with me going 'does anyone know how to speak any russian at all? i need help' randomly in our groupchat
> 
> a lot of Nastya's thought processes mirror mine and i've written both her and Ivy as autistic with the intention of exploring it later in the series.


End file.
